32 Entropy Lane: October 2010

Scary

Associate Girl over at Decisions on Margaritas posted something about the 30 Truths meme. I hadn’t heard of it or seen any of the questions, so I decided to take a look.

Um, it scared the crap out of me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. It was the same feeling of panic I used to get looking at questions on a test that I had NO idea how to answer.

Here are the questions:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So many of the questions are just so…deep. It’s not so much me posting personal information that scares me, because I’m down with that. I mean, you people know all about my boobies and whatnot. It’s the fear of thinking about some of these things and then posting what I REALLY think that scares me. A shedding of my skin, if you will. I write about what I want to and very purposely leave out most of the stuff in this meme.

It’s the fear that is making me want to do it.

When something scares me, especially in the last few years, I have this need to want to do it.

Except sky diving, because that’s stupid.

During all of the cancer bullshit, I found this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that made me feel strong:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

So, maybe I will “do the thing I think I cannot do.” You’ve been warned.

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The Holstee Manifesto

This is so good I want to make my kids recite it every morning with their little hands over their hearts. (found via DesignCrush and The Bedlam of Beefy)

Isn’t that so good?

The Bedlam of Beefy calls this manifesto “Awesomesauce.” Who says that? LOVE IT.

The kids are back in school. Sparks of joy are flying off of my body.

Hadley and I are cheering for Mondo to win on Project Runway. The kid is from Denver! He would have been my favorite anyway though. Hadley sagely said “He is so positive, Mom. And I love all of the color in his designs.”

Aw.

After the show, she always flits off to design something. Then comes more begging for a sewing machine! And fabric! And a model form! She’s very detailed about material choices too because she wants it to fit lots of different body sizes, not just “skinny models.” (I’m fully gushing. My little rare bird is just so extraordinary.)

However, while raising a creative little girl genius, I am having to make peace with the fact that she is messy. Crazy messy. I mean when A&E starts filming “Child Hoarders: They’re Real, Y’all” she could be on it. I mean when I go into her room sometimes I just have to leave quickly or else panic sets in.

I can’t get my head around it. I like order. I cleaned my room for FUN when I was little. Just for the excitement of having my mom come see. Hadley laughed in my face when I told her that story, by the way.

Her idea of tidy and my idea of tidy are totally different. We’re working on a happy medium. Wish me luck.

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fall break–although it really shouldn’t be called a “break”

Peter is out of town and this just happens to be the week the kids are off of school for Fall Break. Full time single momdom is really freaking hard.

AND the day after he leaves, my email stops working. OF COURSE.

I said I felt like I had “locked in syndrome.” I can receive emails but I cannot reply, as they are not leaving my outbox. Grrr.

I promised the blue eyed devils that we would do one fun thing a day. And then they couldn’t squawk about being bored for the rest of the day. I am happy to say I made good on my promise. I am exhausted and have spent way too much money but they have actually been busy every day doing fun things. Kids love structure, as do I, so it works out. They have been pretty well behaved, and exhausted at night, which is awesome.

I am way overdoing it energy wise and start to glaze over and hobble around about 5:30. I collapse into bed at 9:30 each night. I literally have had to tell Hadley she HAS to go to bed because I have to go to bed.

We’ve painted pottery, had lunches out, went to parks (it’s been GORGEOUS this week), went to the movies, roller skated, painted pumpkins (thanks, B!), went on long scooter rides, baked things…the works.

The husbie comes home tonight and we are all looking forward to him being home. The kids have made a zillion things for him, which are all lovingly wrapped and waiting for him in a big pile.

I have a doctor’s appointment today and I am so looking forward to the alone time. That says a lot considering doctor appointments blow. It’s a rheumatologist appointment so at least there is minimal poking and prodding. Plus, who doesn’t relish quiet time in a waiting room reading the latest issues of Arthritis Today with all of the other old people!?

I have been really loving all of the spooky décor for Halloween. Not the cheesy/hokey stuff but the cool stuff that you could legitimately have in your house year round, like black feather wreaths, sparkly skulls and the like. I let the kids buy a black skull candle that when lit, bleeds red through the eyes. Every morning, first thing, Finn reminds me to “light the skull, mom! light the skull!”

After a week of being supermom, I am fantasizing about booking a room at the new Four Seasons downtown for a night. It won’t be this weekend as we have a birthday party on Saturday and family pictures on Sunday, but that would be soooo loverly.

Especially since as I compose this post, the kids are eating cupcakes for breakfast, hitting each other and seeing how many times they can say “butt.”

I’m am totally clocking out as soon as PGP gets home.

I really love this picture and can’t find the source. Apologies!

Happy Weekend, Goblins.

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Finding each other in the cosmos

I really loved what Ann Druyan said when talking about her husband, Carl Sagan.

“When my husband died, because he was so famous & known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — & ask me if Carl changed at the end & converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again.

Carl faced his death with unflagging courage & never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief & precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive & we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous & so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space & the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me & it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me & the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other & our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”

It resonates with me so completely and is how Peter and I feel about each other. We were beneficiaries of chance. A wonderful and kind bit of chance.

Yet another reminder to drink up this rich life and be grateful for the really amazing things in your life. Big and small.

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Belly

According to my gastroenterologist (who is quite kind and entertains me with his bowties) there is absolutely, positively nothing physically wrong with my innards. They have run LOADS of tests on everything. He thinks it’s lupus.

Fine, I say.

But I’m terribly dubious.

Tiny shards of glass still slash around in my belly coupled with overwhelming nausea. The pain isn’t as intense as before. Or maybe I’m used to it? Pain tolerance is an interesting thing, especially when you’re always in pain.

A similar thing happened a few years ago with my appendix. Lots of random pains. Docs say nothing is wrong. Two trips to the emergency room when they THOUGHT it was my appendix, but both times it wasn’t. Then, the third time I went to the ER (good times) it was an appendicitis and they had to take it out. (The doc said I had an abnormally big appendix. Strangely, I was proud of this and asked to have a picture. I wonder if this is how boys with big peeps feel?)

Anyway, I have a sneaky suspicion that at some point they will take out my gallbladder. Until then, I suffer. Distracting, irritating pain that comes and goes and isn’t connected to food intake or meds or anything. And that’s JUST my stomach. There is still all of the rest of the lupus crap. Currently, sores in each nostril, one on my tongue, achy motherfucking hip joints, foggy brain and endless fatigue. Endless.

The crease in between my eyes is getting worse because of the constant furrowing.

Chronic pain causes stress and stress can’t be good for pain. Weird vicious cycle.

Argh.

I really don’t like to complain about it. And if you’ve seen me lately, you’d see the healthy me. The fake me.

I lay in bed now with magazines, my new laptop (hello gorgeous) and the intent to have a better day tomorrow. Or at least do a really good job at ignoring this bullshit pain. It’s date night with husbie and I want to be charming and swishy not stooped over, cranky and furrowing.

Wish me luck.

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Specks

I needed new glasses and had heard about Warby Parker for a while. I took the plunge last week and ordered a pair. 95 dollar, people. That’s it. No catch. AND for every pair you order, they donate a pair. Like Toms but for your face.

They just arrived and I have to say, I’m besotted. They’re light, a perfect fit and delightfully nerdy.

This pair is called the Zapp. And, of course, I ordered them in matte black. I’m already thinking of my next pair though and perhaps will stray from the norm…

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Click

This picture was taken a few years ago in Asheville, NC. I recently found it in a pile of photos I need to frame or file or…something.

My in-laws’ friend, Becky, has a charming property she named Rhodallen outside of Asheville. It’s on a little lake. The kids love to take this, (whatever it’s called…flotilla? raft? tiny barge?) out on the lake and look for critters. Peter and I took it out one afternoon and his sister snapped this picture. It is one of my favorites.

Peter is explaining something to me. What he was explaining I forget, but I’m sure it was something geeky and complicated. (hence the claw left hand) My head is cocked listening to him.

This picture perfectly encapsulates how I feel about us. On the same team, working our way through life together.

32 Entropy Lane